Almost a White Christmas

Two days past Christmas it started to snow and it has ever since. It's just beautiful gazing out the window because suddenly the world seems so calm and clean. I'm getting a sensation that everything just stops in motion or at least happens slower.

We spent better part of Christmas at Bodoni where the Christmas dinner for the homeless was held this year. That is also what our documentary is about. Or rather the work behind the event and the people who make it happen. The real enthusiasts. Not at all like the fake ones that I've grown accustom to during my studies. I can't tell you what a relief it was to be able to restore my faith in human kind, especially now around Christmas.

Last night we went to see a the first Narnia movie. Here in Sweden the old series used to air in the days between Christmas and New Years Eve when I was a child so I have to say it was quite a nostalgic experience. I quite liked it, even if the religous intertextualities were too obvious to ignore. I refuse to let that ruin one of my best childhood memories.

Tomorrow we're going to start sorting through around 20 hours of raw material for our documentary. And figure out how to work with Avid. Exciting times ahead.

How Perceptive of Me

I was thinking the other day that this might be the time of my life that I will look back upon as the best time ever.

I don't have a job yet. At least not a real one so I am constantly poor and in desperate need of something so fundamental as a new pair of pants that I really can't afford right now.

We're currently in posession of two small apartments, neither one in which we can live together for any longer period of time and we can't get rid of any one of them until we get a larger one for the right price. We have to sell mine since I own it and then we have to invest that money within one or two year to avoid the taxes and we have to hold on to his to be able to get a larger one. It is all about giving and taking in this apartment war and his apartment is the only leverage we've got right now.

Still I do believe that I am happier than I have been in a long time. Because even though we're living in a redicolously small apartment togheter and spend our days filming our little project free of charge, even though we have practically no other steady income, I feel content.

I notice the small things. Like waking up in the middle of the night and feeling him snuggling closer to me in his sleep. Or finding out how inventive we can be with our limited christmas decorations. I have time to realize how much I love him.

Everything else will hopefully work out too. We'll get jobs and we'll find a better apartment in time. But I do believe that I will look back at this time and remember that I was happy.

Good Times

A friend of mine recently became the proud co-owner of a resturant in a very nice area here in Malmö. I used to study with her way back when I first started at the University. We studied English in Communication together, a course that ironically enough lacked a lot of communication. Anyway, I used to hang out with her and a Norwegian girl a lot back then.

This Thursday we had a little reunion at the new resturant and for a change I had an allthrough positive experience. Aside from the intoxicating feeling you get after a couple of beers it was really nice to get together all three of us again. And it was even nicer to see that my old friend had actually done something with her life and managed to start this amazing new resturant. I think, and I hope, that it will work out. Not only because I wish the best for my friends but out of selfish reasons as well. I need to see some positive results in my surroundings. It feels necessary for me to see that somethings work out the way we plan.


On Monday my boyfriend is going on a meeting to investigate a possible documentary that we plan to work with the following weeks (possibly months). It will be completely non-profit if it falls through but we've come to the point where we feel that we really have to start doing something to keep ourselves from going crazy. I hope it will work out and I can't wait to start being creative again.

Darkest secret

My boyfriend is a chef which means that I almost never have to make dinner for the two of us. Since I am a total disaster in the kitchen (with a few minor exceptions) that is very much a blessing.

Today however I had to make something all by my little self since he's been working all day. I don't really mind the cooking nor the eating of my tastless, or sometimes down right disgusting food, but I would never serve it to someone else. Let alone the man I love.

So I tried to eat it all up even though it tasted like crap just so there would be no left overs. It turned out to be an impossible task. More than half of my excuse for food was still left when I couldn't make myself to take another bite.

I shoved the substance down into the tupperware thingy. It's in there now, waiting to reveal my darkest secret that I have been able to keep from him for quite some time. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I couldn't very well keep doing those three courses that I master for all eternity.

Time to face the music!


I also managed to tear down the drapes in the shower earlier today. But other than that I haven't tampered with or destroyed anything else around here. So when I think about it, it's been a pretty OK day.

Bored

Very popular within the Spanish speaking community this blogging is.

I think I'm too tired becase I went through a lot of random blogs and didn't find a singel one interesting. But I'm probably too tired. My own blog isn't that interesting either after all. But I have no desire to have strangers reading it either. Perhaps they didn't feel that need either.

Except from the Spanish blogs, which I didn't understand much of, most blogs were too long. Others were too political (and worse, supporting Bush). One or two were written by idiots with no brains who managed to write a lot of uninteresting crap about absolutely nothing. Like Seinfeld minus the wit and the brilliance. One blog didn't have any text, just picture after picture of naked buttoms. Female buttoms. I guess you have to be a special kind of guy to appreciate that.

Anyways, I'm bored.

Two Ships in the Night

The tap is dripping. It's always doing that and stil I forget to steer it into the direction where the dropps fall in a slope and becomes silent. It's amazing how one's brain can be so disfunctional after six months of not studying.

I was working for a juice company today, as usual handing out samples to people in the grocery store. Aside for the occasional interesting people that stumbles across my sampling corner, it's not a very exciting job. I've been doing it during my studies and since I'm still not getting anything else it's the only job I have at the moment. I guess it's OK, it's just very monotonous.

Next week I believe I will sample brie on Friday and work as a clown on Saturday. The clown gig is OK. I've been a princess too. Twice. Those jobs often includs doing something for the children which is nice. It beats pouring up juice to adults who complain because they didn't get enough, or got too much...


When I got home from work I met my boyfriend in the doorway. It is one of those days when I stop working around the same time as he starts. We're like two ships who meet briefly in the night. One quick kiss and then he was gone. When he comes home I'm probably sleeping.


Tomorrow I will be pouring up juice again. Maybe then the cup will be half full.

As Good as it Gets..... For Now.

I'm not exactly making a career out of this blogging. So I tried to evaluate why.

At first I contemplated that it was because I chose to write in English, which is not my native language, so that even my foregin friends could step in to my world once in a while. I haven't written English in this way in years. I used to feel quite comfortable with it. More so than with Swedish actually because it seems like it's another me than the one who lives and breaths Swedish all day long.

It probably have some to do with my insecurity with the language but I'm pretty sure that other factors play an even bigger part.

This unemployment makes me uninspired. I feel empty. And when I don't feel empty I feel like complaining because the strongest feeling that can come over me right now is one of distress and annoyance over my situation. I've never been without a job or studies before in my life. I don't like it. I need purpose in my life.

I'm hoping to snap out of this some time soon. Hopefully get a job within my field and reunite with my sparkling personality and inspiration.

The Sulking Clown

I searched through all the jobsites today. About one hour later I had found exactly zero new jobs within my field. I thought there would be at least five new jobs that I could apply to and be rejected by.

No work experience.

That is all everybody seems to be looking for these days. Work experience. Kind of hard to have that when you just graduated. Doesn't matter if I would happen to be a genious with lots of new ideas. I would never get a chance to prove it.

But there is no point in sulking. It's just me and 78.000 other people with a higher education. I'm in good company.

In two weeks or so I have the good fortune to be working as a clown at an event. I'll be the sad clown sulking in the corner. After 4 1/2 years of studying I am entitled.

Maybe Sometimes You Just Get Lucky

One of my favorite artists is Jewel. The first two (and sometimes the third) albums. I fell in love with her when I was about 16 and it was the first serious relationship I ever had with my stereo. And what a beautiful romance it was.

On her second CD there is a song called Kiss the Flame (at least if you bought it when it was released, I've heard they removed it afterwards) that was one of those songs that took a while to fall in love with. It's a bit whiny. Not a Foolish Games wonderful kind of whiny but the kind of that craves a certain mood, or state of mind, in order for it to be enjoyable. Otherwise it can get under your skin and pretty much drive you insane.

That aside, the lyrics are amazing. And I came to think of it the other evening when I was about to fall asleep to the sound of my boyfriend's breathings after hours of talking and analyzing the world in which we live. I thought of my favorite part of the song.

"But wherefore art thou Romeo? Where have all the brave men gone? Show me one man who knows his own heart, to him I shall belong."

I thought that the request was some kind of utopia. And after meeting all those guys who had their hearts wherever it served their purpose best at the time I was convinced that it was just another one of those fairy tale bullshit that we want to believe in to make life a little bit easier to live. Like; the good always conquers....

It wasn't. Because I've found him. And it's better than any stupid fairy tale I ever read.

Enigmatic

I haven't yet decided what to do with this blog business. I guess I feel kind of inhibited and anxious of revealing too much about myself. Which is bullshit really because I am the only one controlling what to share.

Still, I'm not sure how interesting this restrained approach can be. Not only in respect to my poor readers but for my own sake. And I have really no desire to strain myself in an attempt to be enigmatic.

A couple of weeks ago I’d never even read a blog thinking they were probably all political and dry. An old classmate mentioned her own blog briefly and I thought it would be interesting to check it out seeing she spoke so passionately about the phenomena. So I did and I could really see the charm in the blogging experience for her, a person who has come so much further in being open about her life and her feelings than I have. I appreciated the blogging medium as a way of sharing your life with others, somehow therapeutic when you think about it, and very revealing. And as appealing as it was, it was definitely not for me.

I looked up some other blogs and was amazed by what some people felt comfortable sharing with strangers. There is a fine line between being open and being creepy.

Then by chance, I ran in to another type of blog. An American living in Sweden, writing about his experiences of Swedes. Like my friend’s blog, this was extremely charming but in a completely different way. It was not as revealing, it was more about observations and I found it extremely witty and interesting.

So I registered for this blog and thought I’d get started in being witty and interesting. Turns out I’m neither. At least not yet with all my inhibitions.

I did find an old friend here though, an amazing person who has inspired me a lot. And I found out that a lot of my friends think that this is a very good idea since they are scattered around the country (and the globe) and can finally get more insight in my life. So I might just give it some more time before I give up on my blogging career and hope that I will find my charming ways along the way.

Layers

I'm not sure if I will feel comfortable with this. Blogging that is. But I thought I'd give it a try.

I just came across this amazing blog through an online newspaper and I became, as they say, inspired. It takes a lot more these days for me to embrace that feeling. I don't want to say it is the result of innocence lost (all though parts of it probably is) it's more a result of expanding my spectra. There are more shades of gray these days.

The phenomena of publishing my texts is not at all new but somehow more scary. I wrote fan fic about ten years ago and for a couple of years and had a lot of readers. Fans even, if you could believe it, and I remember the joy of finding those flattering e-mails in my mailbox, urging me to write more. And I did, for a few years until it dawned on me that I did't enjoy it anymore and that the subjects and even the flattering started to feel old and trite. So I stopped publishing and that was the end of that.

Blogging and fan fic are miles apart though. I wouldn't claim that blogging is more personal because I really did offer a lot of me in my fan fic. But it was fictional and this is not. Well, it is not suppose to be anyway. I am not familiar so much with the rules of blogging.

I will just give it a try and see if I feel comfortable peeling off the layers. If nothing else, it will be the perfect excuse to practise on my English (which will be filled with typos, misspellings and grammar mistaces I'm sure).