torsdag, april 27, 2006

The Horror, The Horror...

I went on an interview for a position as an international informant this morning and I honestly can't say what scares me the most; to recieve information of yet another failure or to actually get the job.

The whole experience of the interview was, to say the least, horrifying. He treated me as if I had worked as an informant for years, asking me questions that probably any qualified informant could answer in a split of a second, and demanded quick answers. I started to wonder if he had read my application at all because it would clearly tell him that I have limited experience. Then he confessed that his approach was rather agressive and that he understood that I could not possibly know these things with respect to my background. And I started to wonder why I was even there. With all of the 300 applications he'd recieved... I did not even impress myself.

I feel a bit discouraged about this informant business. It's sad because I've had that goal in sight for as long as I can remember. But everytime I get within reach of it I end up either devastated or doubting my own abilities.

I've never created an entire internal network by myself. I've never composed an actual communication plan by myself. I'm not even sure if I know what it is. I've never been a part of any board of directors or responsible for the communication of one. I've never had to defend a company in a press release...

Given the cance, I could learn and I know that. But it doesn't really matter when you are expected to master it before you've learned it.

It will be a cold day in hell before I get this job. My only solace is that whether I get rejected or, God help us, get the job, it is all me. I'm loosing or gaining this job on my own. And damned proud of it either way.

onsdag, april 19, 2006

I Have a Confession to Make

My name is Sofie, and I am a chocoholic.

Like that. The truth. The ugly truth about the habit that I apparently can not kick. Chocolate is my heroin. Simple as that.

I stopped eating chocolate for two weeks. Two whole weeks. It is hard for anyone to comprehend the nature of the situation. The nervous eye twitch, the biting of nails, the self delusions I suffered. Until time did its thing and I realized that I didn't need it anymore.

Then comes Easter.

Big Easter egg. Chocolate dreamboat. The best kinds of chocolate in a see trough delight. The kind of chocolate that melts in your mouth before you even get around to tear the wrappers. Not at all a cheep perfunctonary gift that nobody ever asks for. Just an oval shaped piece of heaven.

I was such a good girl. I didn't even touch it. Then the next day my boyfriend opens the egg and lets out a scent of chocolate my way. He looks at me and asks: "Do you want one?" Do you want one? Is he freaking kidding me?

I was lost and the addiction came back. But I didn't really understand how serious it was until today. When I went through the last remains of the egg and found three pieces of the disgusting chocolate still there. You know the hardened jell-o and marzipan pieces that no one really likes. And as one piece of my brain concluded that I hate marzipan the other part of the brain kept insisting on the importance of; covered in chocolate, covered in chocolate. It all ended with a see through egg, filled with brown paper wrappers and one girl who never knew what hit her.

onsdag, april 12, 2006

Last Friday

My boyfriend knows a guy who works backstage at various concerts here in Malmö. He managed to get my boyfriend the drumsticks after the Morrissey concert last friday. Since my boyfriend is a drummer and a fan of Morrissey he thought that was a very nice perk to the whole concert.

The drumsticks are barely holding together and they smell kind of funny. But I appreciate sentiment.

lördag, april 08, 2006

Renee

My father is an accountant and he finished his studies a when he was around 23 years old. He got a job right out college at a company which he is now part-owner of. The lady that interviewed him for the position was called Renee.

Renee was an old lady who had lost her husband a few years back and she now claimed that his ghost was still living with her. Once when my parents were over for a visit and they were sitting in her living room, small talking, she stopped in mid-sentence and smiled. "Now there is four people in the room" she had stated calmly. Very serious and matter of factly.

At the interview Renee asked my father for the date and time of his birth. He found it odd but gave the information to her. Months after he had started working she told him that the information he'd given her had been of signifigance to his employment. She had found that at the time of my father's birth the right planets had been aligned in the right way (though I'm sure she put it more adequate than that). That's why he got the job.

About one or two years after he had started the job I was born. It had happened really sudden, and a good one or two weeks before the predicted time and my father had to go straight from the hospital to his job, leaving a much smaller version of myself and my mother at the hospital. He was alone when he got there. Or so he thought. Because all of a sudden, Renee appeared in the doorway. "Congratulations to the new baby girl," she said, smiled at his perplexed reaction and then went away.

Years later my father and a co-worker was at a business trip in Norway and decided to take a tour at their spare time. The tour lady had turned out to be the splitting image of their now retired co-worker Renee, a resemblance so evident they both brought it up on their way back to the hotel. Later that same day, their boss, and moreover an old friend of Renee, callled my father to check in on something work related. Before he hung up he said he had some tragic news to deliver as well. Renee had passed away a few hours ago.


I've heard these stories since I was very young. My mother brought me by my father's office once when I was just a baby. Renee looked at me and told my parents her prediction of my future. A very strong statement that I prefer to keep to myself. I have never been able to decide if I should believe it or not. If she really knew these things or if she was just plain crazy. I'm not closed to such thoughts but I am extremely sceptic.

My father doesn't believe in such things, he's an accountant for cying out loud. Numbers and facts are his religion. Renee made him doubt his beliefs though. And I guess for myself, I will always wonder, unless her prediction comes true. That would be neat.

fredag, mars 31, 2006

Our Collective

How fast we managed to evolve into a unit. I've always considered that to be an unhealthy development in any relationship. I still do. But in the neck of time one of us got a job, even if it wasn't me. Yet. Hopefully the unit will partly dissolve now.

We have too many inside jokes, too many things that only we appreciate as a unit. In the private of the apartment that can be quite cosy and nice and in so many ways I am amazed that we still get along like this. I had expected fights, maybe even wanted them to prove that we have a normal relationship. But aside from the occasional nagging about the little things real fights have been completely absent. It'll come though. Fights are healthy. They keep things interesting and help you see things in perspective.

Outside the apartment the unit doesn't work as well. At least not in social situations. Which is why I think this job will do the unit good.

tisdag, mars 28, 2006

Oh Well....

At college we had a lot of professors and teachers who held lectures on feministic problems in the Patriarchal Society in which we apparently live. The fact that women are treated differently to a disadvantage could be applied to almost all the fields that we studied, not the least from a career prespective.

A lot of people, mostly women, became extremely upset about what they learned from these lectures, a reaction which is common when you first encounter what you perceive as unfair, and so encouraged by the people in power most of these students came to pursuit these feministic problems in many assigments during our education. A noble and much needed pursuit indeed.

In my oppinion there was a little too much focus on these feministic perspectives. They are extremely important and should be given a lot of space but they are not the only problem to adress. And what I felt eventually became destructive in this one sided approach to every field was that the focus always stopped on the problems and gave very little room for the solutions.


It's almost been a year since I finished my studies and I am still looking for a job, a career. The market is though for young academics without work experience in Sweden, that is a known fact, but as the one year anniversary of unemployment is closing in those feministic disadvantages has come in to questioning. Is it harder for me because I am a woman or is that just the "propaganda" speaking?

What if that is true?


"Let's see... we have an acceptable candidate here. Education, check. Minor work experience in the field, check. Good English skills, check. This looks ok." Continues to read in silence. "Oh damn! That's not good, this one has a uterus. It has to go in the no box."


Even though some work places probably panic over the idea of employing a woman with the risk of pregnancy and all what that would mean as an economical and practical setback I don't want to believe that this is common. I always dismissed the thought that my gender would stand in my way and hoped that hard work and talent would prevail. But suddenly I begin to doubt that theory. And it has much to do with those endless lectures about how society discriminates against all women. I am begining to wonder how close to the truth that really is and how my role as a human being holds up against my role as a woman.

For the sake of argument, seing I still refuse to accept it as an absolute truth, I am annoyed and upset over the fact that I was given the tool to acknowledge such information but not to fight it, or be able to do anything about it. So with the risk of ending with the cheesiest line in historyI would like to say this: I've heard the truth. Now what I want are the answers.

torsdag, mars 23, 2006

Nad the Pursuit of Happiness?

When I was 16 I could recite Martin Luther King's speech I Have a Dream by heart. I had problems in the start with the Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. I had no idea what the Emancipation Proclamation meant and I couldn't for the life of me pronounce it either. Which is why I constantly changed that part when by rare occasions someone asked me to recite it for them. In retrospect, I do wonder what kind of document I had poor Lincoln sign in my recitation.

There was also a typo in the copy of the speech that I had in my possesion which is why in the part: This note (reference to the Emancipation Proclamation) was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, I kept saying nad the pursuit of happiness, thinking that the nad was probably a meaningful and fancy word that I just didn't understand.


Today, I can't recite the speech from start to finish. Probably bits and pieces but not the whole thing. I do however know that it is meant to say and the pursuit of happiness and I know what the Emancipation Proclamation means and how to pronounce it. And you've got to be impressed by that ;)

onsdag, mars 22, 2006

A Fish with Struma



In a previous post I brought to attention the unexpected gay community that had formed in the animal kingdom, more specifically in the penguin community. I thought that was an extremely fascinating piece of information. Little did I know that the unexpected animal facts would soon become a theme.

It happened as I was waiting for my mother in the reception where she works. I noticed that the numerous goldfishes in the reception tank seemed unaturally obese. Naturally I had to investigate.

On a closer look I had yet another shocking discovery. All the goldfishes seemed to be suffering from a serious case of struma! I kid you not, it looked just as if their eyes were about to pop out of their... do you say scull?

I managed to take this photograph with my cell phone and I would like to present it as exhibit one. And quite possible the only exhibit that I will be presenting all together. But it is really true what they say. You learn something new every day.

Broken Flowers

We rented Broken Flowers the other day. You know, the movie with Bill Murray that the critics seems to love.

Now I have different options in how to proceed with my feedback on this movie. I can play along and say that I loved it and that it was amazing so that I fit the profile of the intellectuals. Or.. I can be honest and tell you that I liked it but that I didn't find it particulary amazing. In fact, I am not sure I got the point of the movie at all.

Don't get me wrong, I have lots of theories on what the movie wanted to convey and I prefer a movie that is not obvious over one that is any day of the week. And even if the movie was beautiful in the way that it was shot and carefully planned in esthetics I still didn't feel that it was enough for it to be amazing.

I require something more mind blowing for that.

So I got to thinking. Why has there been such a chain reaction when it comes to praising this movie? I'm still not saying that it was a bad movie, it just left me hanging too much for me to classify it as pensive. Is it simply that people are afraid that they would be considered idiots if they don't praise it. I mean if one critic loves it and another doesn't understand it, would he or she really admitt that? Wouldn't it be easier to just pretend that they understood what was so amazing and join the line of those who understand better than the rest.

Usually the critics are right about movies. At least to my liking. But in this and a few other cases I just have to wonder if they aren't acting out of cowardice.

There is of course another explination. A very plausible one. And that is that I am an idiot who just doesn't get it. Well, if that is the case, at least I am an honest idiot.

torsdag, mars 16, 2006

At Least there is Still Air to Breath... Right?

Same old same. No good news but instead a confirmtion of what we already knew all too well.

But I did have a new revelation as the scary thoughts subsided the other day. Even if this situation is beginning to be ridiculously trite in the way it consumes my every thought I realized that it is by my own fault completely. And so again, same old same. I focus on the bad parts and completely miss out on the positive ones.

So what that we are broke and unemployed! I get to live with my best friend, my soulmate. Love of my life. And I know for a fact that even if a good job is hard to come by, I have something which is even harder to get. Something which began over three years ago, on a balcony somewhere. Now there is a Romeo and Juliet complex to live up to...

I should therefore stop all my whining (or at least tone them down a bit) over not getting a job and living in poverty and focus on the fact that I get to spend my days the best possible way.

I can do it!

*nervous laughter*

onsdag, mars 15, 2006

Back in the Real World

I had an awful realization just now. For the first time in over a month I was alone in the apartment, since my boyfriend was on a interview, and I sat down in the living room in complete silence. There are minor details still to take care of here, papers to be sorted, the last two boxes ready to be carried up to the attic, organizing all the small stuff that has no definate location, but the apartment is more or less ready. But in my silent solitude I could feel the reality creeping up on me again.

When you're constantly moving around boxes and have one single tangible goal; to be able to live in your apartment, as it was inteded, there really isn't much thought over for anything else. We've had no weekends to talk of, no time in between to ponder about the life outside our apartment plans or really do anything at all. So when all that is over the space becomes huge.

Huge and scary.

But who knows, maybe there will be good news when my boyfriend comes home. From what we've heard, chances are good that they are. And by now, our luck really should turn around. It has to.

Queer as Penguins

I found this wonderful article in one of the online tabloids. Now, the tabloid has been known to stretch the truth from time to time but I would like to believe that this story is true. (Article in Swedish)

måndag, mars 13, 2006

Time, Love and Tenderness

We've been living in chaos for so long now that I can't remember how it was to have an organized home or how it felt to step into my living room without having to jump over boxes of junk. Hopefully this place will recemblance a home in a week. Which we have been saying for weeks now of course.

There is always something missing, always something more to be done. No instructions for the bookshelf, one important missing screw for the dresser, the list goes on. And we have been cursed with some additional bad luck lately.

Parking ticket even though we payed for our parking space. The electrician didn't come, he had forgotten. Then he finally arrived a week later to install our new oven and the fridge decided to break down which meant we had to wait another week before we could make dinner in our new kithcen. And when we lifted our spirit enough to install the computers so that we could start working on the documentary again the screen on the head computer was broken and we now have to wait for two weeks before we can start working with that again.

Sometimes you just have to laugh about it to prevent yourslef from going crazy. But then again, maybe that is the definition of crazy. Just like a mad man laughing at the rain....

My boyfriend has this old bookshelf that he refuses to give up on. There is no room for it. It doesn't fit in with the colors of the room. And it is ugly. I am waiting for him to realize it and until he does it will probably be standing in the middle of the living room, collecting dust, drivint me nuts. Like the Michael Bolton CD that we found. No one wants to confess to this error in judgement, this youthful indiscretion. But some day, sometime, someone will put it in the CD player and then the world will see which one of us who can't resist singing the lyrics.

söndag, februari 12, 2006

Sneezing in the Dust

We've emptied one of the large closets (storage might be a better word) in my boyfriend's apartment today and the place now looks like a dumpster. I tried jumping over a pile of old bags on my way to the kitchen and landed on the edge of the snowboard, an action which caused the chop sticks on the plate I was holding to fly across the room. There is an outdoor grill standing in the middle of the living room, a golfbag from another century, a broken telescope and quite a lot of stuff that will remain unidentified...

The good news is that I will not have to be ashamed of anything he might stumble across in my closets.


I can't wait until we can move in so I won't have to live in a suitcase anymore.

fredag, februari 03, 2006

Stupid Girl

Every now and then there is a musical artist or group who feels the need to write, or at least perform, a song about the fixation of beauty in our society. The latest addition is of course Sugarbabes. After a recent video of shaking that boodie in tight outfits and miniskirts they suddenly sing about how awful it is that we are simply judged on how we look.

First of all, I would like to say... duh!

Secondly I wonder if anyone get anything except annoyed when listening to the God forsaken crap (cause it's not even a good song, I shoudl give TLC credit for at least that).


If you want a sincere critical song about the beauty industry I would recomend that you listen to Pink's "Stupid Girl" instead.

tisdag, januari 24, 2006

Nostalgia


To be 16 again and not care about getting so drunk that I can't stand up straight....

Yes please. If it's all the same to you I would like to go back to the time when my biggest concern was if I would be able to sneak in to the club or not.

söndag, januari 22, 2006

Tokyo



In a couple of months it's already a year ago since I went to Tokyo. Tempus fugit.

I'm having strange urges of going back there which is really strange since I was only there for one month. I can't explain it but the urge manifests itself in the stranges ways. Sometimes I almost have trouble breathing when I think about it.

Time is not a problem. Money however is.

My boyfriend wants for us to go to New Zeeland to see his friend who lives there.

Maybe in a year from now if we both get jobs sometime soon. Until then I will just have to remind myself of the cherry blossom period in april and all the other amazing things that will still be there in a year or two.

lördag, januari 21, 2006

Apartment Plans (as they are for now)

We've now decided to move out of my boyfriend's apartment and in to mine. His is bigger but it is a one room apartment. Mine is smaller but it is a two roomer which I think is better since you have one room to go and sulk in if things get bad :).

Our original plan was to move to something bigger, preferably a three room apartment with great location. We soon figured that our economical situation would not benifit from such a move and that we could save a lot of money by moving in to my apartment since the rent is really low. So that is what we're doing.

The problem however is that it's an old building and it seems as if the kitchen was build for hobbits. The idea is therefore to do a complete makeover of the kitchen to prevent us both from evolving in to hunchbacks.

Basically that is the plan for now. Will try and keep ya'll posted.